Disclaimers

Fandom: Bad Girls
Category: F/F Slash
Pairing: Kris/Selena
Summary: Defining moments, set before Larkhall.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: No major ones.
Disclaimer: Kris, Selena and Bad Girls belong to Shed Productions.

Unknown to Selena, their small flat hidden inconspicuously down a back alley never quite meant the same as it did to Kris. Selena had been free to leave her home behind to enjoy what she most desired out of life but Kris had not got that freedom, not when Milly and their mother were left at the mercy of their father. After Selena slipped off to sleep, her arm round her, Kris always lay awake for a long time, her mind in another place and worrying about it.

You either stood up to dad, as she had first learnt to do when she was younger, or else, like Milly and their mother you ended up as his victims. The pattern of her life was etched into her in the average psychotic day in her life in the second floor council flat which others called home in but she didn't. She used to be watching TV with her tiny childlike younger sister, Milly, when , at the appointed time, their mother started fussing and flapping her way round the place, enjoining them to make sure it looked presentable for when their father came home late from work. It was then that the tension level in all of them rose, only in Kris's sake, it was tinged with enough anger in her to fight off any lurking sense of fear. This was mum all over, she thought contemptuously, always tiptoeing round him and lying through to her teeth, especially to herself, in feebly defending his outrageous behaviour even when she became the periodic victim at times when they were not supposed to know.

“Be sure to be nice to your dad. After all, he's the one who brings home the money to keep us” she always finished saying the same time in the day perhaps to convince herself as much as anyone else. Sure he did, Kris thought cynically, just enough to keep them after he's creamed off his slice of it in booze to get drunk every night. That was just rubbing her face in what was monstrously wrong. When I grow up, she vowed when she was growing up, I'll work and bring home my own money and live in my own place and I'll never become like my mum.

Sure enough, he used to come home from work, grumpy and depressed and uncommunicative. He walled himself up in his own selfish shell, hardly exchanging a word. This was the easier part of the evening. The really hair raising part of the evening came after he helped himself to a six pack of Tennant's extra strength lager. They knew better than to disagree or else the full force of his anger would be turned against that person.

It all started to change when Kris found the voice that she needed. Looking back on things when she got more of a perspective, she could never work out just what there was in the alcohol that triggered off the ugly transformation to the raving aggressive paranoid monster who would spout forth so much ridiculous amount of anger against everything around him. The lads at the taxi firm got tanked up from time to time but were no trouble to anyone, not her or themselves.

“That's you, dad.” Kris suddenly yelled one evening when an old rerun of an interview with Oliver Reed was transmitted. There it was, this alcoholic ageing actor going utterly over the top, and prancing round the screen in an utterly undignified fashion, same stubbly grey bearded face and mad stare as her father.

“Take a good look at yourself.” She added, her face twisted in anger and disgust and blue eyes flashing. Some of her father's own capacity for anger, which he had inadvertently taught her, was unexpectedly, replayed back at him but with her added facility for words.
“You shouldn't talk that way to your father.” Protested her mother while her father got red in the face with inexpressible anger..

“From now on, I'll talk to him the way I want. I've never seen him as dad, never will.”
Perhaps it was the way that she refused to dignify him, refused to accept him and the fact that he was a secretly a coward when someone with enough strength called his bluff. Kris had been getting taller and bigger all the time as she had grown older and the scales had shifted just that decisive amount to let her get away unscathed.

After that, she knew that it was only a matter of time before she knew she would have to leave home, and very soon too. Instinct told her that the long standing simmering anger was heading for dangerous flashpoint level and there was no way she could protect the family from inside these walls. She would have to do it from afar…….

When she met Selena, her life suddenly changed. It was one of those sudden encounters that marked her life. After all, she would have never have guessed that Selena liked women and neither did the rest of the world, thanks to Selena's art in wearing that disguise. After all, lesbians didn't look like she did, even if Kris did fit the stereotype.
When that vision of loveliness, long fair hair trailing over her shoulders looked her in her eyes and tenderly slipped her arms round her shoulders and those blue eyes looked into her eyes.

“You can put up that tough front for everyone else for me, Kris, but I know you better than that. Let me prove it to you…..”

Something melted gloriously in her when Selena, with all the confidence in the world pressed her mouth against hers and she felt Selena's body press up against hers. It was as if all those soppy romantic feelings which had denied to herself for her own protection, could break loose within herself and tenderness and desire could rise up inside her and all the tension which was in her body evaporated out of her. Yes Selena knew her very well and was utterly unashamed of who she was, who they could be and that they could be totally free. On that first night alone in Selena's flat, for the first time in her life she could let her guard down and receive pleasure as much as she could give to Selena with the textures of their skin against each other. As they lay together, exhausted and spent, the first time ever in her life, a few tears ran down her cheeks in simple happiness. She had found the home with Selena that she had never had.

But life could never be quite that simple for Kris, never would be. With that huge feeling of exhaltation, she ran her taxi round to where she grew up in and bounded into the house.

“I've got to go, Milly.” She said tenderly to the little girl in her bedroom. She was wide eyed with shock as the one strong person in her life was disappearing out of her life. Her older sister was growing up but she hated the thought that she would grow up and away from her. Besides who else could remotely keep her father in check?

“I'm moving in to live with Selena, my girlfriend.” She added with a big smile and a visible expression of pride. “I'll still be around and I'll come back from time to time and watch over you all. After all, I'm independent and I can't be stopped from coming her when I want, he'll never have the guts to stop me.”

Half-fearful with regret and half eager with anticipation, she took her two suitcases of belongings and headed eagerly for the front door.

“Don't think I don't know why you're moving in with your friend even if your father doesn't.” It was the ugly emphasis with which her mother twisted in the word 'friend' that told her that her mother knew what was going on.

I get no thanks from her, Kris thought angrily. You would have thought she was grateful for all I've done all the years. She's so narrow minded that she wants me to go around in pretty dresses, read girlie magazines, go on about boyfriend like all the others and as for being a taxi driver……….

Kris had been dreading that first Christmas when she knew that she would have to reenter the family nightmare. Fortunately, she had secured the permission for Selena to accompany her. Her own parents were spending their Christmas abroad and it was accepted that she was independent and couldn't stand the heat and the sun.

“What will I be walking into, Kris?” Selena asked nervously.

“Anything so long as it is bad…….except for Milly,” Kris retorted grimly before softening her voice in affection as she parked her taxi outside the block of flats, unconsciously in a position where they could make a rapid escape.

After climbing the concrete flight of steps, they were guided by the superficial sounds of Wizzard singing raucously “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” which made Kris wince in pain. Likewise, the widows were heavily illuminated by strings of coloured lights and Christmas cards in the window. It was special appearance time.
Kris's father drunkenly lurched out.

“What about a special Christmas kiss from my own daughter and her friend?” he shouted in a poor facsimile of festive spirit. Both Kris and Selena submitted reluctantly to the wave of whisky fumes emanating from him and promptly took themselves to the safety of the dinner table where the TV was on soundlessly, with the image of Her Majesty the Queen blessing her country soundlessly.

“Everyone should be happy on Christmas Day.” Kris's father shouted waving a bottle of whisky around.

“That's a fine chance.” Kris muttered under her breath.

“Hi Milly.” Selena smiled at the little girl who stared back, wide eyes, at this sophisticated woman, someone she immediately wanted to grow up to be. The trouble was that Selena wasn't afraid and Milly was always very, very afraid. In the kitchen, cooking smells wafted out to announce that Kris and Milly's mother was slaving away to produce the Christmas dinner.

Their father was avidly eyeing the level of alcohol in his glass until he poured his own drink with a heavy hand and offered a glass of wine to Selena and Kris. Fortunately, the CD of Christmas hits blasted away which solved the problem of making polite conversation as the day wore on..

Surprisingly, the dinner was served surprisingly without the usual generous helping of trauma from the side dish. “Top of the Pops” was allowed its chance to be heard which initially surprised Kris. Her suspicions were aroused as she munched her way through her share of turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing and two veg. She watched everything all around her right up to the very second when the trap was sprung.

“We want you to come home, mum and I” came the voice out of nowhere, just as Kris was biting into a mince pie.

She waited two seconds, with a real effort, swallowed the chunk of pie rather than obey her natural instinct to spit it, and the whole of the Christmas back in the phoney faces of her parents. The only thing her dad missed was her board money and her mother's vague idea of happy families helped make her go along with anything he wanted.

“No dad.” She said firmly.”When I walked out and left home, I vowed to myself I would never come home, never will. One drunken pissup with Christmas dinner doesn't make up for what I've put up with.”

“You ungrateful cow.” Her father suddenly exploded with anger.

“We're out of here.” Kris yelled with desperation.”You too, Milly, if you know what's good for you.”

The three women were fortunately nearest the door and, abandoning their presents, total panic and fear lent speed to their flight from the shouting. For a second of pure fear, Kris thought the front door was locked from the inside till, fumbling desperately with the door handle she yanked it wide open. Pushing Milly out the door first, they clattered desperately along the outside walkway, down the flight of steps, nearly falling their way to the bottom. They clattered their way to the car, Selena almost pushing Milly inside the back seat. Kris wrenched the gearstick up the gears and pushed her foot hard on the accelerator pedal, rear wheels skidding on the gravel as it turned the corner. Selena held the terrified child, her arm wrapped protectively round her shoulder. She was Kris's sister and was immediately dear to her and to be looked after. In the meantime, her lover raced the car along the quiet streets in a zig zag indirect path along the terraced streets which she knew best. Totally pissed though he might be, she wouldn't put it past him to be mad enough to set off in his car and tail her even if it meant the probability of being stopped by the police or wrapping his car round a lamppost.

“You're all right, Milly.” She asked the blankness that only fragments could be seen in her rear view mirror.

“I'm all right. Selena's looking after to me.” Came the childish level voice to Kris's inexpressible relief.

They came at last through the front door of the flat and the immense feeling of peace and quiet flowed over them. It was haven, it was a sanctuary as they flopped down together on the settee. Kris adjusted the pure white fairy lights on their little imitation Christmas tree. There was only a smattering of decorations in the cramped flat but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered at that moment but the utter serenity. For Milly, this was inexpressibly intense as her big sister was next to her, surely protective of her, smiling and more at peace with herself with this other woman on the other side of her who was kind and friendly. Truly, this was an intense moment more like family than she had ever felt. There was a special closeness between these two women speaking an invisible language, which she could not understand, which was too young to understand as she had been told by her mother. There were no explanations of what was going on, no need for them.

They chatted awhile between them with all the time in the world and with all the defences down. That was the best Christmas present of all that they shared.

“Will you be all right if I make up your bed on the settee? I'll wait up with you if you want” Kris asked tentatively. Poor kid , she looked wiped out.

“I'll be fine, Kris. You two go to bed,” Milly's childlike voice generously offered. The settee was a bit cramped but was warm enough with a spare pillow and a quilt thrown over it. She felt protected and safe for the first time in her life as she placidly watched the two women heading for their bedroom. It was a night none of them would ever forget as it was so fresh and new.

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