Category: Bad Girls
Pairing: Nikki/ Helen
The characters on Bad Girls are the sole property of Shed
Productions and are used here without permission for
entertainment, not for profit.
Rating: 12
Spoilers: For Bad Girls series 1, up to
episode 10.
Author's E-Mail: trial_erroruk@yahoo.co.uk
Another night, waiting for sleep. But it doesn't come. It stalks slowly around the edges of my brain, teasing me and I lie awake again.
I turn my head and stare at his back as he lies there asleep. We occupy the same space, but it's getting emptier between us. I'm swimming away from the shoreline that is our relationship, no longer able to head back, and treading water furiously in a sea of uncharted emotions. Desperately fighting to keep my head above the waves.
Little wonder that it stood no chance of survival. Sandcastles aren't built to last. They get easily washed away, and I guess we built ours on the flimsiest of foundations. And I'm making no attempt to save it. The ideal couple, professional, successful, heading for the suburban semi, the proverbial 2.4 strapped safely in the back of the family saloon. I'm letting it slip through my fingers. Because I realise it's no longer what I want.
Not with him.
How do I dismantle his life? Slowly? Gradually? Brick by brick? Or do I go headlong in there, with a wrecking ball, one decisive hit and it's all over?
"Had a good day darling? I've made your favourite for dinner tonight, so sit down and eat. Oh and by the way, I've made a mistake, I can't marry you, I don't love you. Pass me the salt please sweetheart"
It's not his fault. He doesn't deserve what I know I have to do. But I can't live a lie to save him from the pain that will eventually end up killing us both if I don't take control.
And end this.
I pulled at the loose thread that was hanging there, irritating me as I tugged at it to break but it didn't. And then I watched as the hem of my life began to unravel and fall apart in my hands. I wasn't prepared for this. This wasn't in the contract! But I guess it was. Like most people, I never bothered reading the small print.
I try to remember the moment it changed, what is was about her exactly. Was it her smile? Or her laugh? Or those doe like brown eyes of hers, twinkling, full of mischief and daring.
The defiance and petulance I could handle. "WARNING! DANGER! KEEP OUT!" It seemed to be written all over her and how I love a challenge! I could fight her back, give as good as she, be in control, never back down. Our rules of warfare were clearly defined in the beginning. We each stood in our own battlefield, shooting little invisible arrows & bullets at each other. And God she's so glorious, with all her guns blazing.
But she carried small print too. "Warning! Fragile. Handle with care." She wears her heart on her sleeve, open and vulnerable to abuse. An easy target. They think she's tough, but God they're so wrong. She's like an innocent child sometimes. Full of life, over excitable, won't go to bed. Like a kid with keys to her own sweet shop.
Then she's studious, intelligent, confident, analytical, probing. Then she's a pain in the arse, hard work, stroppy, I want to shout "Oh for God's Sake, will you grow up!"
Then she'll look at me, all lost, uncertain, scared, insecure. It's like looking at a child that's just fallen off her bike and grazed her knee. I see the injustice of it all and I want to kiss it all better. Make it go away.
Whether she displays arrogance or hate, passion or compassion, she's never indifferent. To her, it's either Yes or No, Day or Night, Black or White. She doesn't see the grey in life, the bits that fall in the middle. But the most fundamental part of her make up, is love. It's like a thread that runs through her whole being. She loves all the way. All or nothing. As it should be.
And it scares the hell out of me.
I feel myself start to lose control around her. I can't function properly. She bloody haunts me. My first and my last thought every day, is now her.
I see her eyes, watching me everywhere. I see her lips, speaking to me. I hear her voice all around me. I can feel her near me. I can smell the fragrance of her all the time.
I'm drowning slowly in my feelings for her, so natural are they to me, that I'm left totally defenceless. She makes me feel so naked when I'm with her. She sees straight through me. She knows me and I can't hide from her.
Somehow, she changed the rules of war. She took control. She changed the targets without me knowing. She ran off with my bloody goal posts, and I had no means to stop her assault. She crept through my own trenches and nuked me from the inside. Capturing my heart, like a Roman trophy.
She has assailed the ramparts of my life, and walked quietly into it. Wearing hobnailed boots.
She kissed me the other day in her cell. The softest, most gentlest of kisses. I felt her support. I felt her reassurance. I felt her warmth. I felt her tenderness. I felt her love. I felt safe. Then I took control, like I did before. I shouted and blamed her. I stormed off and left her. I made her feel even more ashamed at what she had done.
And I regretted it. Because I wanted to stay there, nestled tightly in her arms, my lips frozen to hers. Forever.
I want to hold her in my arms and watch her while she sleeps. I want to hold her in my arms and feel her body move beneath me. I want to hold her in my arms and love her to hell and back.
This isn't what I 'want'
It's what I 'need'.
But I'm the grey she doesn't see. The unpredictable element. The one that will do the right thing. The one that will cause her hurt and pain. The one that will sacrifice her love for me, to save myself.
In order to save us both.
So now it's time to take back control again.
Damn it!
Sod you Nikki Wade!…for making me love you!
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