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written by Filbertfox Episode One - Tug Of LoveSynopsis
The eagerly awaited second series starts with a shot of Nikki, peering out of her cell window and indulging in her favourite pastime - Scottish totty spotting ...The Scot in question doesn't make an appearance and an extremely crestfallen Nikki slumps onto her bed...The hideous dressing-gown makes its first appearance of the series, although, it looks like the horrendous lipstick and earrings have been forsaken. Anyway, moving on to Dominic who is on his way to see the Wing Governor, the door opens and...Oh shit! It can't be!!! Can it???? Jim Fenner, Wing Governor??? The world's gone mad!!! Well, actually, Stubberfield's gone mad, looks like having a gorilla in a suit (which looks like it's been picked up off the rack at 'C&A' by the way it hangs off Fenner like a potato sack) was his good idea. Anyway, the conversation between Stubbsy and Fenner kicks off on the subject of Helen, who it appears is late back off sick leave. Stubbsy reckons that she's gone AWOL, Fenner is sympathetic... Fenner: It's a shame, I feel sorry for
her, GAH!!! Who is he trying to kid??? Honestly! This guy is greasier than a mechanic's overalls!!! Jesus H Christ in a sidecar!! It seems that not content with Fenner filling the gov's role on a temporary basis, Stubbsy actually wants Fenner to take the role on full-time!! They obviously didn't employ the number 1 for his brains. So, the scene moves to Fenner's house, where his wife Marilyn (who by the way does a lovely line in cardigans) is collecting the mail, just then, the phone rings and Mr Oily starts to crow about his imminent promotion and is in the mood to celebrate... Fenner: How do you fancy going out for a nice steak tonight? Blimey Jim, push the boat out why don't you? Anyway, seems like our Marilyn is slightly distracted because she's not exactly enthusiastic, mind you, married to that ape, can you really blame her?? Back at the prison, Zandra goes into labour in the four-bed dorm...the alarm bell is rung and guess who is on duty?? Bodybag...oh great, just the face you want to see looming over you when you're about to give birth!! Meanwhile, Fenner goes to crow to Shell... Fenner: Who knows, we could be having late
night sessions in my new office, maybe even a little
bottle of wine. 
After this touching scene, Nikki (moody and maginificent in her blinding white vest) bumps into Shell... Nikki: Watch where you're going
Dockley! Shell shoots a significant look in Fenner's direction and leaves Nikki with a face like she's just been slapped by a wet kipper. Outside, Bodybag and Dominic are escorting Zandra to a taxi, Bodybag is belly-aching as usual... Bodybag: Now, get in the car and keep your legs together! Back on the wing, Crystal is filling the Julies in on the situation... Julie S: 'Ere, so who's Zandra got on
escort with her? Crystal tells the Julies that the best way they can help Zandra is by praying... Julie S: She's alright that Crystal but she don't half bang that tambourine. ...Just as they reflect on that thought, Yvonne Atkins pops her head out of her cell and asks the Julies if they fancy making some money...hmmm, what's she got planned?? At the hospital, there's a bit of an altercation between the midwife and Bodybag because of Bodybag's refusal to take Zandra's handcuffs off... Bodybag: This one's a security risk. Dominic manages to persuade Bodybag to take the cuffs off, she ain't too happy about it though, especially when Zandra makes it clear that it's Dominic she wants there and not her...poor Dom seems a bit squeamish though and goes to wait outside. Zandra is still going on about Robin, the midwife agrees to try to contact him for her, again, Bodybag is decidedly pissed off but there ain't that much she can do about it. The midwife also notices the needle marks in Zandra's arms and asks her if she's on something, Zandra insists that they're old marks, but, doesn't look that convinced about it. Back at the prison, a significant moment...Fenner opens a drawer in his desk and notices that Helen has left her lipstick behind...Fenner smiles like the snake he is and drops the lipstick in the bin...Jesus! Come back Helen! Come back now!!! Meanwhile, Yvonne is examining the Julie's handywork, seems that she's got them cleaning for her...By the way Yvonne's cell is like an Aladdin's cave, stuffed full of make-up and bags of 'Nik Naks', hmmmm, 'Nice 'n Spicy' flavour too, looks like Yvonne has at least a miniscule amount of taste!! Yvonne is impressed, so impressed that she offers to put the Julies on her payroll...on the condition that they manage to get hold of some curtains and 'something soft I can put me feet on'...that's easy Yvonne, the Julie's heads are about the softest thing you'll find in the prison!! Okay, forget Helen, forget Nikki, there's a new breed of totty in Larkhall... She's tall, she's elegant, she's blonde, she's... Karen Betts, aka Claire King...oooooh, someone pass me a bucket of cold water to put these flames out!!! Anyway, seems that Karen is actually an old crony of Stubbsy's, he's been trying to tempt her out of men's prisons (and away from men!!) for years, and, now that Fenner has been kicked upstairs and into a suit, it seems that he's on the look out for a new Principal Officer...ooooh, yes please Simon!! Fenner is asked to join the meeting, and it's clear that him and Karen have a bit of a history...Oh Shit!!! She's obviously not as intelligent as she looks then!! Anyway, Fenner is at his oily best and is seemingly looking forward to working with Karen, let's hope she brought her 'Swarfega' with her!! Back at the hospital, Zandra, predictably is screaming for drugs... Zandra: Can't you give me something for
this pain? It's taking the piss!! Fenner arrives home to a very frosty reception from 'er indoors...turns out that she's been receiving letters, and the latest one says... Dear Mrs Fenner, Back at the prison, the carpet-fitters have conveniently left a bag of off-cuts outside Stubberfield's office (oh, he's just had a new carpet fitted by the way)...of course the Julies, still on the search for something soft for Yvonne to stand on, nick it, although how they managed to be outside the number 1's office is beyond me. At the hospital, it seems that Bodybag is showing her, until now hidden, human side, she's positively overwhelmed by the prospect of Zandra giving birth...the old battle-axe has a gooey smile on her face as she grabs Zandra's hand... Bodybag: Come on Zandra! Push! ...my God!! Looks like she has a heart after all!!! Even more incredibly...just as Robin runs into the room for the final few seconds of childbirth, Bodybag wipes away a tear!!!! Zandra has a baby boy... The following morning at the Fenner residence, Marilyn is still giving Fenner hassle about the letter, Fenner is dismissive, but, obviously pissed off... Fenner: When I find the vicious little bitch that's doing this, i'll have her ghosted out of Larkhall that quick! Back at the hospital, Zandra and Robin discuss the name of the baby, Zandra wants Robin (strange Zan, wanting to name the baby after the twat who dumped you and didn't give a shit when he found out you were pregnant) but Robin isn't convinced... Robin: We can't call him Robin, think of all the Batman jokes. They settle on Robbie in the end...anyway, it transpires that Robin didn't get married to the woman he dumped Zandra for...also, he seems determined to stand up to his parents this time...maybe, just maybe, Zandra might be in for a happy ending.
Fenner has another shock in store for him, guess who's back in town?? Helen: Morning Jim! Every Simone Lahbib fan in the country heaves a sigh of relief...ooops, looks like the wind has been well and truly knocked out of Fenner's sails. Anyway, it turns out that the reason Helen is late back is because of a delay to her flight...she's back with a vengeance by the way, she orders him to get the other officers back for a meeting and then steals the show with a line gifted to her by heaven... Helen: Nice soot! Okay okay, i'm not exactly a huge Helen fan, but, now she's finally got rid of that horrible 'Stewart quiff' I can actually see the attraction...but, she has got serious competition in the form of Karen Betts now though...(Filbertfox runs for cover, avoiding the lynching by Helen's fans!!!!) Things are not going well at the hospital, the midwife tells Zandra and Robin that Robbie has been put in the special care unit because he's withdrawing from the drugs that Zandra had been taking while pregnant. The midwife tells them that there's nothing to worry about, but it's obvious that Robin disagrees. At the prison, Fenner is back in uniform and obviously not too pleased about it, especially not when Helen makes her first appearance on the wing since arriving back. Nikki is obviously delighted, Shell's not though and the two exchange a siginificant moment... Nikki: Looks like Fenner's been telling you fibs Dockley! Helen brings more good cheer by informing the inmates about Robbie...just as she is about to leave the wing, she is collared by Nikki... Nikki: Miss Stewart? Helen: When i'm ready. Helen then leaves the wing, and despite being given a very obvious brush-off, Nikki returns to her breakfast looking like she's just won the lottery. A very pissed off Shell takes Fenner to one side and asks him what's going on, Fenner explains that he didn't know that Helen was coming back and then pulls Shell into the officers room for a bit more privacy. Fenner tells Shell about the letters that Marilyn has been receiving, Shell, of course, acts all innocent... Shell: But who? Who'd do that Jim? Shell departs the officer's room leaving Fenner glaring at Nikki through the window. Up in Stubberfield's office, Helen is receiving a bollocking from the Fat Controller and recieves an official warning for going AWOL. Stubberfield, (between picking up stray bits of fluff from his new carpet) also mentions that he's keeping Fenner on the same grade as Helen and bringing in a new Principal Officer. Blimey! Make it obvious you don't trust the woman why don't you Simon? Helen, predictably, isn't that pleased at the news but there's really flop-all she can do about it. Back at the hospital, Zandra is also receiving a bollocking from Robin as they visit Robbie in the special care unit. An extremely upset Zandra promises to stay off the drugs for good and then says goodbye to baby Robbie until he's well enough to join her in the mother & baby unit back in Larkhall. She's also upset to be leaving Robin, but he does promise to visit every week. After her confrontation with Stubberfield, Helen decides to bite the bullet and summons Nikki to her office... Nikki is still smiling like all her Christmases have come at once, but Helen has a face like a bag of spanners, so it's obvious that Nikki's in for a big let-down... Helen: Take a seat Nikki. I thought we'd
better have a talk. Screen grabs courtesy of SimoneLahbib.net ; thanks, MJNet! © 2000-2003 (texts) are with the author. |