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written by Filbertfox Episode Ten - Love HurtsSynopsisThe episode starts with the inmates being let out of their cells for breakfast. Dominic knocks on one particular cell door and gets no answer so is forced to walk straight in. Yvonne is lying in bed wearing cotton wool in her ears and eyepads, Dominic wakes her off and it's plain to see that it's lust at first sight as far as she is concerned... Yvonne: I've been here almost a fortnight, where have you been hiding yourself? ...Dominic leaves the cell and Yvonne almost falls off her bunk in her eagerness to ogle his retreating arse. NO NO NO!!! MONICA IS COUNTING HER PILLS AGAIN!!!!! This is getting bloody ridiculous now!!! Although she has moved them from the toothpaste tube and wrapped them in a nice pink hankie. Down at breakfast, Zandra joins Nikki, Monica and a very sheepish looking Crystal...Zandra starts talking to Monica about her appeal... Zandra: You'll soon be eating out in posh restaurants again ...Julie S arrives at the table and asks Zandra to sign a petition for Miss Stewart so that they can get their open visits back. She notices Crystal and launches into an attack... Julie S: And you? You better keep out of my way 'cause I could ...Crystal, realising that she's beaten, leaves the table, Julie S jumps into her seat and asks Nikki to take the petition up to Helen, Nikki says that if Helen got the petition from her then she'd 'chuck it in the bin'...Nikki leaves the table in a sulk, Julie S is devastated. Helen arrives in her office to find an 'Open University' letter on her desk, oooops, looks like she's going to have to share it's contents with everyones favourite English degree student before long. Back on the wing, Shell is being treated like a plague carrier and can't understand why everyone hates her for setting up a screw Denny suggests that maybe she targetted the wrong screw and next time maybe she should get Bodybag sacked. Talking of the rotund one, check her out in the background, exchanging cagey stares with Yvonne Atkins. Crystal decides that now might be the right time to ask Shell if she wants to join her in a rousing chorus of 'Kumbyah'... Shell: No I don't, nutter. ...Crystal twigs that Shell has been taking her for a mug and storms off. Yvonne seems to be making a few friends on the wing, maybe it's because of the free fags she is giving away...hmmm...won't be long before Shell starts to object I should think.  Nikki has been summoned to Helen's office by Fenner... Helen: Now, it's about your exam, i'll arrange for an invigilator to come
in.  (bends over Helen's desk)... by kissing her. Or do you expect me to apologise? (picks up envelope and storms off to the door). ...Nikki gives Helen a hard stare and then leaves the office. Well, it looks like Yvonne Atkins has G-Wing well and truly sewn up, even Bodybag seems to have met her match, firstly when she has a go at Yvonne for giving out her cigarettes and secondly when she tries to stop Crystal 'Kumbyah'ing. Both times, Yvonne steps in and makes her look like a fool in front of the inmates...Bodybag blusters off like a wounded rhino and tries to save face by shouting at the other inmates on her way back to the officers room where she starts bellyaching to Dominic about Yvonne... Bodybag: Where she was on remand, did you know this, 22 pairs of shoes ...Helen arrives unannounced and sticks her oar in... Helen: 22 pairs of shoes and a shelf load of Chanel according to her file. ...Helen asks Bodybag to bring Yvonne along to her office later that day and lets it drop that she's still got to assign Yvonne a personal officer...poor Bodybag, it's so obvious that she's going to be nominated. Meanwhile, Yvonne comes across the Julies who are doing a dance routine with their mops and sounds them out about 'The Larkhall Gospel Tabernacle Choir', not because she's particularly religious but because she thinks that if they make enough of a racket, the screws will be forced to sign the petition about the return of open visits, the Julies are impressed... Julie J: Clever, ain't she Jue? ...and that coming from a pair of women who make Sam Dingle look like Carol Vorderman. Monica returns from the bathroom to find Nikki mooning about outside her cell, Monica twigs that something is the matter and asks Nikki what's wrong. Nikki says that she's jealous of Monica because at least she knows that she's going to be let out if her appeal goes to plan, Monica suggests that Nikki should try for an appeal... Nikki: A lesbian cop-killer? Very tabloid friendly! ...Nikki disappears into her cell in the style of Kevin the teenager disappearing off to his bedroom in a strop. A meeting between Yvonne and Helen follows which is an absolute treat to watch because you can just see them sizing each other up. Anyway, Yvonne learns pretty early that Helen's not the type to let her have her own way and allocates Bodybag as her personal officer...you get the impression that Yvonne is quite impressed. Anyway, the conversation turns to private property as allowed by the inmates handbook...
Helen: Well as long as you understand that there are no exceptions allowed. ...Sean rings then, Helen tries to get rid of him but the selfish twat obviously thinks he is more important than her job. Helen tells Yvonne to wait outside for an officer to take her back to the wing. An argument ensues between Helen and Sean while Yvonne earwigs in the corridor... Dominic: What are you doing here? ...Dominic orders Yvonne back onto the wing but lingers slightly outside Helen's office, obviously over the moon because it sounds like Helen's having problems with her love life....Gawd! If he only knew the half of it!!! Yvonne is causing trouble at the tuck shop... Bodybag: £2.50 what do you want? ...Monica is next in the queue... Monica: I'll have £12.00 worth of phone cards and a packet of extra
strong ...strange, I thought she was planning on topping herself, how's she going to get through twelve quid's worth of phone cards??? Down in the chapel, 12 guitars arrive courtesy of Yvonne for the 'Larkhall Gospel Tabernacle Choir', why do we get the strange impression that Bodybag is a bit upset??... Bodybag: Atkins! Over my dead body! ...Looks like Bodybag's going to have to make a hasty phone call to the funeral directors then because she is next seen handing out the guitars to the choir members...hmmmm, maybe Monica's got some pills she can borrow. Talking of Monica, she's hiding her phone cards in a towel for some reason before heading off for a shower...in the queue for the bathroom, the reason becomes clear when she hands her towel over in exchange for a towel that contains 4 minature bottle of 'Smirnoff'...to wash the pills down with, obviously. Down at the first practise, the Julie's are protesting at Yvonne's choice of song... Julie S: 'Kumbyah?' ...Shell comes across Denny putting chairs out for the choir practise and takes great offense to Yvonne nicking her chief henchwoman... Shell: She's too busy for this bollocks! ...Shell disappears for a private word with Fenner only for the bastard to turn round and tell her to get lost, Fenner, understandably has had enough of Shell and her schemes, Shell won't be put off though... Shell: Well listen to me, Mr Fenner, I fixed Lorna Rose and I can fix you ...Fenner reaches out to turn Shell's radio up and Shell's ecstatic, obviously thinking that she's going to get the seeing to she deserves... she does, but not quite in the way she expects...Fenner cracks her head against the wall and then walks out of Shell's cell. Nikki goes to speak to Monica and notices that Monica has packed up everything in her cell, initially, Nikki thinks it's because she's due in court the next day but then notices that Monica has packed her suit and twigs that all is not what it should be... Monica: You're too late Nikki. Screen grabs courtesy of SimoneLahbib.net ; thanks, MJNet! © 2000-2003 (texts) are with the author. |