Episode Eight - Falling Apart

Synopsis

The episode begins with Helen arriving at the prison gates, Nikki is standing in her cell, watching Helen's arrival through her window. Smarmy bastard Fenner wanders into Nikki's cell and clocks what she is doing...

Fenner: She always manages to be a few minutes late. Have you noticed?

...Of course she's bloody noticed you daft arse!

Mind you, Nikki does seem to be in a good mood today, and the top she's wearing (pink yuk) is very tight and shows her... well, let's just say that all the Nikki fans in country, although they hate her fashion sense, love her taste in tight tops. Nikki spots Shell in the breakfast queue and can't resist having a dig...

Nikki: You enjoy like back on basic Dockley? Looks like it.
Shell: I'm gonna be back on the threes sooner that any of you wankers think! Nikki: Yeah? Well us wankers won't bother holding our breath alright? Shell: (Storms off) I'm only down here coz of that bitch Lorna Rose!

Superb overacting by extras here as they watch Shell's departure and hold a group handbag to their collective chest...'Oooooooh'.

In Helen's office, Monica hears that she has a date for a home visit, only is disappointed when she hears that it's in three and a half weeks time...Helen commiserates but Monica cheers up almost immediatly and tells Helen that she's just happy that she's going to be able to spend some time with him...By the way, does Helen's hair look nicer this episode or is it just me???

Meanwhile, Denny is labouring over a letter to her mum (awww bless), Shell watches on, totally unimpressed, and is even less so when Denny asks her advice...

Denny: Is arse-holes all one word?
Shell: How should I know?
Denny: Just asking.
Shell: What's it like being as thick as pig shit Denny?

...Shell stubs her cigarette out on Denny's letter and then heads off for a chat with Fenner just as Monica is allowed back onto the wing...

Denny: Oi posh bitch! Is arse-holes one word?
Monica: No, it's hyphenated, as in arse-licker.

The Julies are reading a birthday card sent by David, Julie S's son, Julie J is concerned that the card is four weeks late and both Julies wonder why David seems to go to such extremes to tell his mum about learning about fermentation in biology...The penny finally drops with Julie S who realises that David is talking about brewing hooch, the fermentation process will take four weeks, Julie S goes into orbit when she realises that this information is her birthday present. They couldn't... could they?

Meanwhile, Shell and Fenner are at it in the toilets. Shell complains about being back on basic but Fenner is unsympathetic and tells her that she only has herself to blame and that there's very little chance that he'll be able to get her back on enhanced. Shell ain't chuffed and tells Fenner that while she's still on basic he's got no chance of a shag, Fenner doesn't seem too upset, Shell is though...

Shell: You don't know what it's like, Wade queening around on my landing while i'm stuck down here with these shits!

...Fenner advises Shell to keep her nose clean and start acting like a 'good little girl guide', he leaves Shell sitting, dejectedly, on the loo, as the camera pans away we notice that her roots need doing... poor Shell, she's not having a very good time of it at the moment.

The Julies are conspiring with David over the phone...

Julie S: (To David) That's nice David, try not to burn any holes in your trousers though eh?
Julie J: Oh he's not lighting his farts again is he?
Julie S nods.
Julie J: Ask him about the other.
Julie S: Oh yeah, listen tiddler, tell me some more about that what you wrote in the card, about the...
Both Julies: ...Fermentation.

...Oh dear, looks like they are serious about brewing up some Chateau Larkhall!!!

Monica recieves a visit from Spencer who is very pleased to find out that his mum is coming home to visit...he's still got that cold though, let's hope he gets better before her visit.

The Julie's decide to do some research in the library, although there does seem to be a lack of books about wine-making, wonder why?? Monica comes across them and they ask her for some tips, it turns out that our Monica is a bit of an expert and she lists the ingredients the Julies will need, and then realises something...

Monica: You weren't actually thinking of making some in here were you?

...Monica soon realises that the gruesome twosome are serious and comes up with some more information at dinner later that day. The Julies decide to get some of the wing involved...

Julie S: Apple Denny?
Denny: Piss off man, they rot your teeth!

...With Denny recruited, the Julies go and visit Auntie Nikki, it seems they have plans for her watering-can...

Nikki: You're mad! Why me?
Julie J: Well it's just an idea.
Nikki: You're cleaners, why can you use the kitchens?
Julie S: No, well we did think of that.
Nikki: It's warm, it's clean...
Julie J: Yeah but it's too obvious, they'd find it.
Nikki: Well all I can offer you is filthy and freezing.
Julie S: Perfect.
Julie J: (Points to potting-shed) They'd never think of looking in here.

Julie S: Ere, do you use that watering-can?
Nikki: (Hugs watering-can protectively) Yeah thanks I do.
Julie J: It's only for four weeks please Nikki.
Julie S: Please?
Julie J: Go on.
Julie S: It is for us.
Julie J: You know you love us.
Nikki: Well how you gonna keep it at the right temperature?
Julie J: Well, what we thought was we could take it in turns to come down here and hug it.
Nikki: Pardon?
Julie S: Bodyheat, you know, we thought we'd take it in turns.
Nikki: You can count me out. What about at night? Doesn't it have to be kept warm permanantly?
Julie J: Does it?
Julie S: Oh shit!
Nikki: (Spies compost heap out of the corner of her eye) Hang on.
Julie J: What?
Nikki: There might be a way.
Julie S: Yeah?
Nikki: (Spots a passing Bodybag) Yeah, i'll tell you later. (Suddenly goes all shifty and talks out of the side of her mouth...sooooo cute) What do you want me to do with this watering-can?
Julie J: Steralise it.
Nikki: Yeah? What with?
Julie S: Steralising tablets. (Hands Nikki a packet of fags) Alright?
Julie J: Everything's got to be steralised.
(Nikki takes a cigarette from the packet and Julie J lights it for her, Nikki takes the tablets out of the pack and hands it back to Julie S)
Nikki: Where did you get them from?
Julie J: Mother and baby unit, they chucked 'em out the window at us.
Julie S: We got loads of 'em.
Julie J: We thought it was snowing.
(Bodybag can't stand the conspiracy any longer and bounds up.)
Bodybag: Are all you girls (girls???) gainfully employed?
Julie S: Yes thanks Miss.
Julie J: Yes Miss.
Nikki: Yeah.

...Denny decides to give Shell the good news...

Denny: I know something you don't.
Shell: So what?
Denny: The mad twins are brewing up some jungle juice and I got a share in it 'cause I gave 'em an apple.

...Shell ain't that impressed but does go and see the Julies...

Shell: Got any yeast?
Julie J: No.
Shell: Want some?
Julie S: You got some?
Shell: Might 'ave, if I get an invite to the party.
Julie J: Oh, we was gonna invite you Shell...
Both Julies: ...you're the cabaret.

Julie J makes an airlock out of a length of plastic tubing and a candle, very proud of her creation, she shows it to Julie S...

Julie J: Say i'm clever.
Julie S: You're very, very clever.

Not happy with being the scene for the infamous 'Tittygate' incident, the potting-shed is now the scene of probably the funniest moment of the whole series...

Julie S is inside the potting-shed and is pouring and squeezing her ingredients (not what you're thinking!!!) into the watering-can while Nikki hovers nervously in the background. Outside, Julie J is keeping watch and trying to look inconspicuous by sweeping (SWEEPING!!!) the grass. Bodybag can't fail to realise that something is going on and heads over to the potting-shed, Julie J knocks on the door frantically, while inside...

Nikki realises the game might be up and whips off her T-shirt and shows a maginificent (unfortunately) bra-clad busom off to Julie S, who, understandably, is shocked...

Julie S: What you doing?

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